Wardrobe Musings

It's the little things...

2010-12-08T15:43:00.000-07:00

Like sweet honey mustard with buttery pretzels that make me happiest.

Some other items that have made me bit happy and giddy with excitement of late:

Lunch from last week...french beans, sauted with fresh garlic, almonds, flax seeds in buttery sauce and a cheese pilaf with dried cranberries and sunflower seeds, perfecto!

My wonder pup, Jarvis...who does not appear to be in holiday spirit here...Grinch!

Ahhh. Now here is Jarvis with his holiday spirit!

Lucy...she just watches, takes it all in...always in control.

The traditional eggnog with Captains...it just makes things seem a little more...special.

My favorite wooden bowl, a treasure I found at an outdoor market a few summers ago that I love to put oranges into...I absolutely love oranges, in a wooden bowl, at Christmas time. I don't know why.

Happy holiday musings and have a safe and happy rest of 2010!

Sidetracked

2010-11-23T12:49:00.000-07:00

The only word to describe the day to day of life the past few months...and in a very very good sidetracked kind of way.

That only time away from the usual routine can help carve out. Breathing much easier since...changes have taken place that were in need for a long, long time. Not saying there is regret in this change, nor bad tidings in making such change occur. Just...well, relaxed in myself again. And really, is there any thing in this world better, than knowing one's self throughout? I think not...each moment is a lesson, shall we listen and truly tune in to hear ourselves...under all the other voices, you are there.

Some lovely images to gaze upon, and shared. Enjoy! I am happy to be back...and loving my soul-sidetracking and peace of mind. Images from various sources, some mine, some others...all are safe to share and enjoy ~ Peace~

And while am at it, Happiest Thanksgiving Musings!

Be Who You Want, Have What You Want

2010-08-30T09:29:00.000-07:00

*I first read about this book by Chris Prentiss in Spirituality & Health magazine, a great resource known for it's spirit-based resources, out of this world (sometimes quite literally!) interviews and superb writing. Right up there with Shambhala Sun or The Sun...what I term "perfection" and "bliss reading". Do check it out (and the other magazines listed) if you have not before. So worth their weight in love & light.*

When I purchased this book, over a year now, I did so of course with the pretense of reading it. I use a lot of the books I buy as tools in my trainings and teaching, school work, etc and this was my intent when I got this book too, to implement with my daily life style and make behavioral changes as need be.

Although I have every resource for self-healing and transitioning (changes and growth) at my finger tips in both my studies and line of employment, I tend to gravitate toward a self-defeatist attitude from time to time, unable to focus on what is important (recognition and awareness, how to change my attitude and become more aligned with why something has happened, etc) and want to fast forward to the end result. I am very much results oriented, which is helpful in my day to day life and lifestyle choices, however...a bit of support and new ideas and capturing ways in which to learn and grow in each moment and to be in the Now instead of wanting to get to that "end is in sight" point, I am interested in learning the ways in which to have the insight into the why's and the how's of becoming.

I thought I would begin this project some time when I was in a low stress time in my life, when things felt in balance and I was able to clear my mind of everything in my path and just be on this one, single journey. As if life happens this way, who am I kidding?!

So, each week I will be supplmenting my blog entry here with a review of what I have learned (be it two pages worth of material or 3 chapters read in a row over an hour's time). Write it down, make it happen. That sort of thing...

Please feel free to email me any time with questions, thoughts or ideas - things that have worked for you or have seemingly worked against you - I am all ears and open to learning together.

The author, Chris Prentiss, has written widely about his substance abuse issues and is one of the founders of Passages Recovery Center in Malibu, CA. If you are interested in more of Chris's books, articles, or how he has learned to help himself and many others in their journey, Amazon.com has all of his books at excellent prices, or let me know and I am happy to send you copies of his works.

Happy Monday musings!

Girls Camp

2010-08-27T09:44:00.001-07:00

I feel like...doing something new.

Something a bit...out of the ordinary for my weekend musings.

I am going to have a little "Girls Camp" at home, all to myself.

I am going to load up on yummy vegetarian foods (home made and not home made), put out a big blanket on my living room floor (extra comfort) and a bunch of my overstuffed pillows and read/write/watch movies tonight, all under the guise of "Girls Camp"....And of course, lots of tea and maybe a chat with my sister who I never get to speak with because she is always working at her amazing new job. (Insert envy here.)

Tomorrow, I am on with the job search, and possibly pick up my bedroom, which needs much TLC...and possibly will actually submit a job application or two. I am excited for this change in my life!

What does this weekend hold for you? May many an adventure come true!

Blessings, and....

~Happy Friday and Weekend Musings!~

blue door

2010-08-18T16:54:00.000-07:00

So, in conclusion...The meeting went something like so...

I have been given a lay off letter with a termination date of September 30 due to the grant I work under not being released yet. Until this time, I am sweating bullets (I need to look up what this actually means and where originates from because it feels I am sweating more than mere bullets here...more like profuse amounts of army issue military vehicles right now) that the grant will be released, writing letters to my Congressmen/women, losing sleep, and wondering what my supervisor/director actually thinks of me. I know one should separate the personal from the professional, but having worked in my agency for 5+ years, I am well aware of the good work and excellent community partnerships I have brought forth, as well as the clients who I have served and the team player I have been and continue to be (though now I question just how disposable members of our administrative team may actually see their staff as behind their expressions and smiles).

So...decompressing this week, working on a strategic plan to assist me with moving forward and keeping my mind in a positive, if not bit frantic, mind set. Payson begins high school next week, I have a looming court date, and I need to borrow money from my (ex)mother in law, which I have been putting off but am now at point where I needed the money yesterday or possibly even 2 years ago and need to build the nerve to just talk to her. I am so not good with procrastination, I just do not do it well at all.

On another note...regardless of the things in my life I have going on and that seemingly would be sucking me dry, for the most part, sweating bullets or vehicles aside, I am happy. I am able to see new paths before me and ideas that I would not have envisioned prior to this unforeseen news hitting me like a ton of mo'fro' bricks on Monday. The past 72 hours have been a bit of a slippy slope but I haven't managed to see any thing terrible, really, maybe some shadows along the way but those are the parts of me I need to make nice with or befriend any way.

My friends are amazing. Supportive. Giving. Nourishing. Enriching. Encouraging. Kind. Remarkable. Respectful. Faithful. Fantastic. Patient. Loyal. In the now with me. Thank you. And you. And you.

I am working on a huge project tonight, putting together a plan on ways I can manage to retain employment with my agency. How I hope to break it down to stay on. I am in flux, and in flux, there is flow, expansion and most of all, wonder. I feel the support of the Universe and of my heart and I am happy to let nature have her way with me. I have answers to questions I forgot I needed to ask of my self and now I am ready.

In Peace, Love, Light x

Meg

work relations

2010-08-16T16:23:00.000-07:00

Why is it, that when my superior (my boss, my manager) asks I meet with her I feel such a huge lump growing in my throat and a cold sensation becoming larger and larger throughout my entire body? I presume it is normal to have general anxiety when one is not prepared for a meeting, but I am prepared. Or I think I am. And I know I am not going to lose my job or not have a good response to a question. I just get this feeling and go into the meeting, and talk too quickly, and ramble on, and don't ask enough questions of her, and when I do, they come out in a jumble, and when I stop speaking, she is just shaking her head in agreement and yet, I have no recollection of what I have just said?

Can you tell me, oh wise friend, why is this so? I know my stuff, I have worked here 5 years (an eternity for some but for me, a pleasure at most times) but yet...I am a simple basket case when asked to draw up my chair to her desk. Alas, best to it.

Fingers and all crossed.

August

2010-08-09T11:40:00.000-07:00

I am back from my lovely little visit home...and with many new and wonderful thoughts and ideas to share...alas, work and catching up call first...and then, shall blog my little fingertips into oblivion here.

Holiday

2010-07-14T13:41:00.000-07:00

Tis Holiday Time!

Time to...

And

Beach or Bust

And

Time to float and flow

And

Spend hours just staring

And

Being Inspired

AND

Last but not in the least...

LOVING YOURSELF AND LOVING BIG.

Spread the word.

~*~See you in August~*~

Cleansing the Closet: Wellness through Less

2010-07-12T10:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had a difficult day. My emotions felt tight in my chest and throat and my hands just hung at my sides. I thought I was depressed, or sad, or anxious, or burnt out possibly.

I have read and known from own experience that when it doubt mentally, to do something physical.

I started with laundry. It felt good to sort through the colors (though mostly black) and then to feel them cold and damp on my bare arms when moving them from washer to dryer.

I moved piles of clothing around my room, sorting, hanging, purging, relocating, shuttling off to Good Will.

I recycled 16 pairs of shoes and 3 pairs of boots (not of the winter boot variety) I got rid of 8 hand bags and multiple items of clothing, from hot pants, pajama sets and knit dresses to slips, cardigans and skinny jeans.

I made my bed with clean sheets and vacuumed my bedroom floor (I so detest carpet and plan to rennovate this floor very soon) I let go and it felt like a whole new day had arrived.

I made a cup of Darjeeling tea, read for an hour, took dog for walk, and visited with friends.

Then I slept and dreamt of perfect and loving space all around and through me.

Monsoons

2010-07-09T11:42:00.000-07:00

I love this season of heavy air and clouds that look as thought they may explode at any moment and let down rain, beautiful rain...

Dance the dance of a thousand rain drops x

x Happy Friday Musings x

Summer Musings: Ex Marks the Spot

2010-07-02T10:39:00.003-07:00

Is there anything better than the anticipation and excitement that is Your First Relationship? First Relationship that involves a lot of playfulness and kissing and a little bit of skin and frolicking?

I think and I say, not!

Each year at the on set of summer (real summer, when it is draggy hot by 9 in morning) I begin to rekindle all the memories of youthful summers spent in wait for my boyfriend to bicycle over to my house, of when he got his license (he was a year and half older than me, and had this massive, gray/green 1980 2-door Impala - the door so heavy on passenger side that at barely 15, he had to reach over me to open the door for me, which he did with one hand and the slightest grin because I was so small I had to sit up super straight to be able to see out the front window). I grew up in a rural area in New York, in a very small town, with one main street to speak of and lots of aimless time on my hands. Which led to, lots of wasting of gas riding around in my boyfriend's Impala. In the heat and humid air and back roads of west central New York, he drove, I rode, and we listened to Cyndi Lauper (She's So Unusual), Beastie Boys (License to Ill), Pink Floyd (The Wall), Tom Petty (Full Moon Fever) and later, when the Impala was gone and he had his brother's hand me down, 4-door Chrysler, indie stuff that he would tell me sucked and take out, putting in his favored country cassette (another hand me down from his brother).

We spend a lot of time driving. Kissing. Laughing. Joking. Running. Walking. Holding hands. Holding eachother. Drinking juice at my house. Watching tv with friends. Listening to each other's problems (we had none). Hanging out in the cemetery between our houses. Riding bicycles. Making each other smile.

He was my first kiss (by the back doors of our elementary school after the 6th grade dance); my first phone call that lasted 4 hours; the first person to put their hand on my bare waist and little flat middle-school belly; first person to tell me I was beautiful and that he would marry me in a second if we were older; We went to the same church. Ate the same school lunch food off the same school lunch trays. Ran cross country together (we were both good runners and both quit the team); Played hooky from school together; Walked hand in hand from his locker to my locker in the mornings and between classes. Went on vacations and wrote letters.

He worked at the local ice cream and cheese factory store in between his house and my house. I would go and visit him at work, bringing friends for comfort and support as well as someone to giggle with while waiting for him to take his break and bring me my favorite treat, a grape slushie (later, he would bring me gin to put in my grape slushie, but he didn't work there any more and was dating a girl who hated me to no end). I never had a job.

Back and forth we were best friends and boyfriend-girlfriend, touchy-feely, quiet and moody, loud and quick-witted, funny and mad. As we grew up, we got angry a lot. At eachother, at the world, at our parents, at our friends, at my attitude, at my tendency to hang out with the local skaters too often, at my inability to show up on time or at all for his hockey games, at my not wanting to have sex...We started to grow up and grow away from what was all we knew of our life, which was time together and time apart spent dreaming of being together. It was bittersweet and bitterness. He left me, he came back. He started smoking cigarettes and going to beer parties. He dated someone and slept with them and then came back again. He bought me Snickers bars and Slim Jims and made fun of the music I listened to. He lied to girls he was seeing when I called and said I was his sister calling on the other line. He made me my first mixed drink. He held me hand and read me the relationship rights. He let go of my hand and told me I smelled of snow and cold and being alone. He would come to visit me, out of the blue, or to visit my parents after I went away to college. He would do this for many years, after I was gone and had been out of the house and on another coast since 19.

It all seemed poetic and now I realize that it was. And it was the beginning of my life in a very big way.

And now we live on separate coasts, and time has passed, and our families don't go to the same churches, and I don't go to church at all, and he married a few times (I went to his first wedding, he told me then he was getting married because he felt sorry for how an ex boyfriend had treated her, but she was also already 4 months pregnant) he married a second time for love and moved away from our home town last year. We see eachother here and there, when I go home in the summer. But we don't talk about that life, our life, not really.

Last night I was talking to my mom in New York and she mentioned he had called last weekend for my number, was thinking of me and wanted to check in. This is what summer is, hot and heavy with parts of the past bobbing along to the surface. I don't tell any one really, but I dream of him often...silly things, like falling out of his car and into a snow bank, being at our lockers and talking to one another across the hall, missed phone calls. Just that sort of stuff that no one really remembers when they wake up in the morning, or shares with one another in fear of vulnerable acts.

What is it, that time, that nostalgia, that piece of time and of youth that is such a huge but hidden scar? That when touched even slightly, brings memory upon memory flooding in to heart and mind? My emotions and nerves stood on end then, every thing a new and huge experience, each day a wonder. Was it the timing? The placement? The rotation of the sun and my Moon in Mercury? Who knows...and who really wants to know...the secret of love and of life.

Thursday Mindset Musings: Home!

2010-07-01T13:48:00.001-07:00

So this morning while posting up on my style blog, I realized how there is no method to my madness when it comes to summer time; I am of a one track mind - that of being secluded with favorite books, writing/journaling utensils, water (that to be drank; that to be swam in, that to be watched in morning, afternoon, and eveming light), sun screen, a couple bikini halter tops, a big hat, a couple towels, Havaianas, and having tea with my mom at home in New York.

There was a time, and not too long ago, when I didn't consider going "home", to where I grew up, to be a holiday in the least. I wanted to see other places and have other experiences and send postcards to friends from other (read: new) places. Now I can't wait for summer to arrive and to make plans with my sisters and spend time with my parents at their home, my first and favorite home. Really, my only home, as my 20s and now 30s have been spent in a bit of transition and between homes from time to time (though I do now own a home and love it, there is a definite truth of home being where the heart is and that is my home in New York.)

This has led me to ponder the definition of home, of family and of purpose found in returning to the same place, the same home, year after year; how home becomes a pilgrimage the older, and the wiser, we get. When I suggest the "wiser", I mean that of the human heart growing and learning not right from wrong but right from second guessing one's self over many years.

Thursday, you are my muse.

Instances

2010-06-24T09:51:00.001-07:00

Instances are the same as moments...many moments upon one another...an instant is a moment that is captured and isolated. A moment in time, an instant gone to pass.

Today marks day 1 of not smoking. I made the decision yesterday, in the heat of a hang over moment, and within an instant from making it, wondered if this time it would really stick. Because in an instant, change happens.

I have made the same decision many times, though this time I emptied my mind and came up with no reason to continue to smoke.

Mind over matter is all I can focus upon...making each moment an instance to decide and make a choice.

Matter over mind is how I lived for a very long time, out of emotion, habit, dysfunctional thinking and acting. When I realized my phase of acting out was not just some passing fancy, I created the space to format my thinking into a place of health. Health, with sound boundaries.

Boundaries of choice, appropriations of the heart.

Dance

2010-06-23T16:07:00.003-07:00

What makes me bit batty about the whole ending of a relationship decision is that often times, one person's choice to end the relationship is not the other's choice...making it as though you are odds at one another and "damned if you do, damned if you don't" becomes the mantra to the dynamic that once was composed of good night kisses, sweet dreams of hand holding and travels abroad on holidays in the sunshine.

I am in a daunting and very real end place now. Again. Still. And depending on how long you have known me, here or in my every day goings-on and happenings, you will know I have not taken the necessary steps toward self love and healing that have been offered to me in the past, either by universe or by some one dear to me (or a complete and total stranger) trying to enlighten and move me in a forward position so as to not be stranded on the isle that is home only to sand and depression (and more hot sand without water even after walking stretches of island...the Isle of No Man's Land, the Isle of Hopelessness, the Isle of Will-He-or-Won't-He, where witch doctors collect heads for soups and being captured sounds as though it might be a positive thing compared to walking the island for days un-numbered).

So here is what I am sayin'. No one gets it easy, no one gets it right all of the time. Once the course has been run, the bills paid on time each month, the carpets shampooed with the rental shop vac, the groceries unpacked and put away, the pool cleaned and chlorinated, the kids off on the school run, the nails and toes polished and the bread taken out of the oven, there is the Dance.

It begins as the slow and steady pace of which two hearts beat and pulse toward one another, calling out for one another to rush to the end of the world to find one another (much like a rave in early days of Ibiza club scene) and to collapse, exhausted but not close to spent, upon one another. There is a side step or two in the months and maybe years that are to come, but they are slid under said carpet that is in need of shampoo treatment and left to grow and collect and blossom and finally, bloom. But the blooming takes the form of a very serious blight, and the garden stops its natural cycle of growth and replenishment and is stuck in a bottleneck of fear, denial, anger and, depending upon whose mood, excessive drinking and smoking of cigarettes. The Dance has stopped in its tracks, not able to create any new beats or to lay down a new place for a track to come out from, not able to see its own shadow in the dark and moody undergrowth of the carpet. It becomes a lazy little withering shoot and sends out its tentacles in all directions, latching desperately to anything in its path. There is water but no one drinks, there is fertilizer, but no one wants to go to the store to get it after dark. They left their night time driving glasses at the office. Or they got backed over in the garage that morning when was in rush to make it to the doctor, but the doctor never showed.

There are muffled sounds as though the Dance is alert at times, other times there are just sighs and low, low breaths being taken and spat out again. There is not solice in rest nor sleep nor eating nor sex nor films nor tea nor walks by the river nor walks in the snow nor walks on the ice...all there is is the solice of the ice cracking and crunching around the Dance, and a pause when the Dance finally recognizes the possiblity of slowing slipping under.

There is quiet and stillness and there is no one to distract the Dance here. Only cold water to cover its small scream as it sinks, side to side, pause to pause, to its bottom. One day to be discovered when uncovered by the romantics wanting to share in its Dance and in its Demise.

all news is good news here...

2010-06-14T10:14:00.002-07:00

Weekend musings...

*Walk under dark gray sky

*Tea in silence

*Lunch and festivities with dear friend

*Wedding delights

*Stupidity and loss

*White Russian cocktails with vanilla whipping creme

*Sweet smell of summer mornings

*Lovely time spent in sleep and slumber and rest and frenzy

I am so happy with all the new template choices Blogger decided to bring on, and also the new design options, makes for a very happy Meg this morning!

I moved all of my style and fashion related blogs & sites to Style Destination so please visit me there for those bits and bobs...I promise will be updating much more regularly now that summer in its swing and I have bit more lesiure time to share my little follies and tales! Please make sure to visit all of the great blogs and other places on my blogs, good friends and great blogging!

A few happy things to share...

*Will be featuring one my dear best friend/sister here soon as a guest writer (which I am so thrilled to have and know will be fantastic read...maybe become a feature...shall see! I can't wait!)

*Am in a new and stable relationship after many many years of living in bit chaotic and upsy-downsy state

*Have the most lovely child any parent could wish or desire for...it is so fun to grown and learn together

*This new template, of course!

*All my lovely friends, in my every day life and in my blogging life, for creating such a sacred space for me in your life...it is what makes the world go round and its heart tick. Bless!

mood musing.

2010-06-04T13:30:00.000-07:00

6:17. woke up a lot during the night, restless sleep and general discomfort. Slipped into sleep, woke every thirty minutes or so. Feeling like something coming on.
8:06 six minutes behind schedule and just not leaving home for office
8:09 arrive office.
9:54 leave office, go home, walk Jarvis. He ate a lot of grass. Uh-oh. Maybe he is under weather too.
10:40 arrive office (second time)
11:50 leave office (second time)
1:25 return office (third time) Throat is itchy, nose is runny, mood is mean, at best.
1:29 Cup of tea then.

Wind(ed)

2010-05-28T09:45:00.000-07:00

The wind has been a strange and lonely cycle this spring...leaving such a dry and strong after taste.

Weather affects me in a way that I can't quite explain...it is never just a "rainy day" or "too cold" it is always always always something internal for me that I struggle now to put into words.

How now I wish for summer...a slow mountain breeze...some incense in the garden and some flowers to scent my mind...not the gushing 40 mile per hour wind that is to come through today...

Weather, weather, I am old as stone.

~sweetness~&~devotion~

2010-05-19T10:36:00.001-07:00

assorted images, various sources *thank you*

end scene

2010-05-14T12:10:00.003-07:00

{hymn for ciggies}

Today I have heard from FOUR different friends that they want to make time to detox their lives somehow.

One of them is at their acupuncturist as I type this out.

One of them is crying and shouting into her sleeping bag so she doesn't wake the baby from its nap.

One of them is taking off work to dip their toes in Oak Creek.

One of them just ran into a downtown shop to buy a journal and hole up.

I have a sometimes-and-sometimes-not friend who is a habitual drinker and tells me he can't trust himself.

I work with some of the most beautiful, spirit-filled and lovely people, who on a weekly basis, feel like at least one element in their life is failing.

I spend so much time with my hands in my hair wondering what the world means and how to share that with others or how to find others who will share this with me.

Just a happy mid day reminder to self, we are all alike, in most ways.

realigned

2010-05-10T08:43:00.000-07:00

I have not been happy lately, I have been too tired and too drawn out and just altogether, TOO MUCH.

Too much alcohol, too many late nights, too much time on computer, too much caffeine, too much sugar, too much money being spent, too many excuses...ENOUGH!

Today is my day of realignment, of recreation, of focus.

FOCUS!

I am so sorry, dear body, that I have been so unkind and uncaring toward you.

I am so sorry, friends, that I have left you hanging and waiting around for me.

I am so sorry, life, for moving about it ways that are not natural for me, I love you, LIFE!

Time to shake out of this place and dance with myself again...

ONE LOVE.

borrowed: when a woman loves a man

2010-04-30T09:17:00.002-07:00

When a Woman Loves a Man, 2005

David Lehman

When she says margarita she means daiquiri.

When she says quixotic she means mercurial.

And when she says, "I'll never speak to you again,"

she means, "Put your arms around me from behind

as I stand disconsolate at the window."

He's supposed to know that.

When a man loves a woman he is in New York and she is in Virginia

or he is in Boston, writing, and she is in New York, reading,

or she is wearing a sweater and sunglasses in Balboa Park and he

is raking leaves in Ithaca

or he is driving to East Hampton and she is standing disconsolate

at the window overlooking the bay

where a regatta of many-colored sails is going on

while he is stuck in traffic on the Long Island Expressway.

When a woman loves a man it is one ten in the morning

she is asleep he is watching the ball scores and eating pretzels

drinking lemonade

and two hours later he wakes up and staggers into bed

where she remains asleep and very warm.

When she says tomorrow she means in three or four weeks.

When she says, "We're talking about me now,"

he stops talking. Her best friend comes over and says,

"Did somebody die?"

When a woman loves a man, they have gone

to swim naked in the stream

on a glorious July day

with the sound of the waterfall like a chuckle

of water rushing over smooth rocks,

and there is nothing alien in the universe.

Ripe apples fall about them.

What else can they do but eat?

When he says, "Ours is a transitional era,"

"that's very original of you," she replies,

dry as the martini he is sipping.

They fight all the time

It's fun

What do I owe you?

Let's start with an apology

Ok, I'm sorry, you dickhead.

A sign is held up saying "Laughter."

It's a silent picture.

"I've been fucked without a kiss," she says,

"and you can quote me on that,"

which sounds great in an English accent.

One year they broke up seven times and threatened to do it

another nine times.

When a woman loves a man, she wants him to meet her at the

airport in a foreign country with a jeep.

When a man loves a woman he's there. He doesn't complain that

she's two hours late

and there's nothing in the refrigerator.

When a woman loves a man, she wants to stay awake.

She's like a child crying

at nightfall because she didn't want the day to end.

When a man loves a woman, he watches her sleep, thinking:

as midnight to the moon is sleep to the beloved.

A thousand fireflies wink at him.

The frogs sound like the string section

of the orchestra warming up.

The stars dangle down like earrings the shape of grapes.

Thank You, Ophelia Blooming...with Love.

xxx

attracting

2010-04-30T09:11:00.000-07:00

It's a favorite Friday musing of mine, creating a Focus list...especially when there is such quiet to think at my desk in the office...Friday is generally peaceful around here. Which is most welcome and invited.

FOCUS...

On Being

engaged...

and still

and quieted within.

And go in peace.

To & From

2010-04-28T14:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Heart,

You didn't tell me this would be coming.

Never hinted.

Did I wish it, did I want it?

Where is the light in this heaviness?

Dear Heart, I am conflicted.

This is life, living through me.

This is love, my dear, dear Heart.

xo,
Conflicted

Borrowed.

2010-04-27T09:33:00.000-07:00

13 ways to know you're a changeling ~ by Francesca Lia Block
1. you have never felt as if you quite belonged

2. when you love someone it is like immolation or drowning

3. you yearn for the earth, even fantasize about eating it in handfuls

4. your skin does not seem like your own

5. metal frightens you

6. light on shallow water causes you to gasp

7. as do the carcasses of sea lions prepared by taxidermists for the coldly lit cases of dark museums

8. touch is one of the only ways you know to get back to yourself

9. but with the wrong human it can take you farther away until you almost cease to exist

10. you have repeated dreams of flying even though it takes tremendous effort and feels more like running a race

11. you have abandonment issues without necessarily any obvious cause

12. you are always secretly seeking ways to hurt yourself, as if this might prove to whoever is in charge that your tasks are done

13. hopefully, when you are young you discover something called love, which is really just another name for going home

Home.

today's musing

2010-04-27T09:26:00.000-07:00

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not at all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won.

It exsists. It is real...it is possible...it's yours." ~Ayn Rand

heartings

2010-04-26T14:43:00.001-07:00

There are just so many great blogs out there...like, probably trillions! And I try to keep up with my favorites every day! But as every blogger or blog reader knows, it is almost impossible to stay on top of them all! Each time I visit one of my favorite blogs, there is a link to a yet another amazing blog. And another. And another. It's neverending...and fascinating to no end.

A few weeks ago I came up Marta's blog, Life of Boheme, by way of Molly's blog, Rakk and Ruin (a long time favorite) and have been in absolute adoration and a little bit of lust ever since. There is nothing like a beautiful little elfin girl from France who looks not only gorgeous in her own skin without make up or too much fuss, but who includes her boyfriend/photographer in some of her pictures and writes only in French which makes me have to pull out my French to English dictionary...which I do not mind one bit as Marta is such a pleasure to view and to read. If you haven't, do!

substance and shadow

2010-04-26T09:43:00.001-07:00

I have been AWFUL about writing here. It has been pictures, some words, credits, or nothing.

Today is a fantastic Monday...not only because my supervisor is gone for two straight days and the little projects I have set aside for this week are not needed now til next week; because I feel grounded and simple, fluid is only word that comes to mind.

This is the feeling I believe...of the girl who gave up her NEED to control. PHEWWWWW! Because it was getting quite heavy, that nonsense, that baggage!

Due to whatever happened in my past, as a child or young adult or whatnot, I never properly grew up. I never realized that reading self help books only benefits one if they apply what they read in their own life. I lived for ages blaming those around me (namely my mother and Paul) for my damaged and deluded ways of being and therefore, of thinking. And of trying to control aspects of their lives because I was OUT of control.

And yesterday, in the midst of a sunny Sunday morning, I sat in awe and self question and spent rest of day defining my Higher Self from that of my Lower Self. And indeed, a star is born.

It was, in my mind, a peak experience. And delightful.

So, control...a messy topic, but one that has me in an entirely fresh and FLUID state of mind. Am walking on air, I tell you.

Just some images I lust.

It is Bravo, Monday!

On Spring

2010-04-22T09:57:00.000-07:00

Breath

Vision

First Sprout

Greece

Under one another's cover

bed calls

2010-04-20T15:50:00.000-07:00

I so want my bed right now.

I just remembered that I took a sleep aid before bed last night.

So am super-tired and super-not-wanting-to-be-at-office-right-now.

Y'know?

thank u we heart it

grace

2010-04-18T20:34:00.000-07:00

Always grateful for Sunday night. There is such safety in Sundays.

I was born on a Sunday.

Sunshine Sunday.

This is what I would like, a summer love, filled with grace.

Mood: Friday!

2010-04-16T16:30:00.001-07:00

Happy Friday musings xo

sunday eve musing

2010-04-11T20:39:00.000-07:00

Lately have been seeing the world, or my little small space in a corner of it, in much more bright and vibrant colors. I think this is a positive reflection and good thing.

Spring allows for the feeling of all the seasons, and can be a moody little thing. I don't mind and think I fit right in.

How I wish I could fit snug, deep into the forest floor.

painting, artist unknown

april

2010-04-02T14:59:00.000-07:00

It's April...April! How on earth does time pass so quickly? Where has it gone to? What do I have to show for it? All things I am entirely up in the air about...it's spring! Next is summer! I am ready, but for what?

All of this, and more.

photos, all sorts of places.

welcome

2010-03-31T16:42:00.001-07:00

this image: the Selby.

mmmm...and all things goodness.

placement

2010-03-26T14:17:00.001-07:00

*photos: random places*

Kiss & Tell

2010-03-23T15:39:00.001-07:00

From today's entry title, one would think oh, finally, let's dish!

Alas, I am speaking of a wholly other title, that of the novella by Alain de Botton, of wit, wonder, and why did I wait until now to read up all his lovely offerings?

This story (the one of me, narrating here about Alain de Botton's story) began when Nicole told me when she was in Barcelona over New Years her boyfriend asked her if she had ready "On Love", in which Nicole asked me had I read "On Love" over chai one afternoon upon her return to the States. I told her I hadn't, and she talked a bit about it, and we moved into other topics and caught up in our hour away from the office. The following weekend I was cleaning up and in a box pulled from storage, I came across a copy that was newish looking and so, gave it to Nicole to borrow. I then realized that there were several other titles of his in the box with "On Love", including "The Romantic Movement", "The Architecture of Happiness", and "Kiss & Tell". Put them on a bookshelf, went about my life for a few weeks, in moment before bedtime reading went and pulled out Kiss & Tell. And I just adore it.

I don't even want to do a review here, it is such a really lovely read; a story within a story within a biography, or even an autobiography in its own way. Alain de Botton, I should have had these books wrapped in perfect gold leaf paper they are so divine and such perfection.

So, for the next 12 months, I will be dedicating my time and efforts into reading through the rest of his works; those I own now and those which are destined to my collection. And never again will these books see he dark inside space of a box in a storage unit again, they will be carried in my heart for*ever*.

Go. Get.Now. Many libraries carry his books. If yours doesn't, beg them to on bended knee. That good.

And find out all you can about Alain de Botton, entertaining and gifted author and man.

beautiful, delicate

2010-03-18T09:44:00.003-07:00

I love & adore, when these two things, come together. Grand job! So yes, go and see. Please.

the What Turns You On edition part I

2010-03-18T09:08:00.002-07:00

And the results are in...

I (semi) recently asked various people in my life to respond to the question "so...what turns you on?" and got some very-varied answers from these sources. I also asked people in passing, such as in local bars and restaurants, shops, post office, parking lot, and my office building, so to mix it up a bit (a bit of strange for those who do or don't know research methods, stirs the pot and also makes for a much more reliable testing group to form conclusions with.)

Alas...the wait is over! Here are responses 1-10, with 11-20 to follow tomorrow:

Water * Hot yoga at sunrise * Travel * Making love without removing any clothing * Vanilla incense * Falling asleep to the rain * Misty morning walks on the hills and moors * Writing postcards to friends far away/close by * Jumping in puddles with my kids

**thank you to those who participated, & those who included photos with their submissions**

Blue Friday

2010-03-12T14:23:00.001-07:00

Wishing for...

*sweet dreams*

*fresh air*

*noodles with butter*

*blueberry pomegranate smoothie*

*Midsomer Murders*

*Hudson Valley in spring*

*a train trip through mountains*

*my sisters*

*friday night in pajamas*

Mo' green, mo' better for Flagstaff

2010-03-09T15:19:00.002-07:00

Yay! It's Rob's Sustainability in Flagstaff Blog...

I am ALL over this creative approach in directing people to get involved in their local sustainable efforts through BLOGGING about it...there are many events, many discussion panels, many documentaries/films and You Tube efforts toward the necessary developments for a healthy, safe and sustainable world...but this takes us to a more grassroots feel in which one can get up close and personal within their own community and there is NO other place to begin than where one's heart truly is...and where you spend your tax dollars.

I hope other community's have such a space to visit and write about their own concerns and passions with in their own area...blogging is such a great way to get the word out. So sustainable bloggers unite!

**And while I am on this topic of a green approach, let me highlight some of the books gracing my own coffee table right now in my living room and on my office bookshelves...Working in sustainable economic development, I get to do a lot of research, reading and writing on our local green & sustainable efforts, these books take a more global approach and discuss the community of Earth. All directed toward the layperson's interest and for those who may or may not have experience working with sustainable development.

Economic Development:

The Necessary Revolution ~ Peter Senge

The Green Collar Economy ~ Van Jones (so this is basically the pop-sustainable book on economic development and is so-so, but makes some very worthy points and makes for some definite discussion points amongst economic development peers - yes I am a nerd like that)

Beyond Growth: The Economics of Sustainable Development ~ Herman E Daly

Ecological Economics: Principles & Applications ~ Herman E Daly

I have TONS more books and resources on Green Building, LEED Certification & Resources, rural sustainable development efforts, community partnership building...working with non-profits,working with governmnent entities, green grants...you name it, I have at least one copy of it here next to me at work.

**I don't often add politics to my musings here but was so happy to find Rob's new blog was up I just had to blog myself about it. Tomorrow is a new day and one in which I will go back to my regularly scheduled (and often predictable) Wardrobe Musings...

Photo by Moi

daisy days

2010-03-03T09:50:00.001-07:00

Today is one of those blue sky days that make one want to throw their arms above their head for joy...that spring may very well be near.

I love watching the shadows shifting, the day becoming more alive with the buzzing of life, seeking out life.

Such beauty in a sigh, in a moment of pure pleasure.

windy

2010-02-23T13:56:00.000-07:00

Images that remind me of the wind, and waiting

Waiting at last light

To begin anew

To recapture the day's wait and remember

what one is being waited upon

momentary

2010-02-21T14:05:00.001-07:00

Today is a day best lived for the moment, its moment, its own fragilities as they come to the top, like cream.

How I love my little home, my little bit of the world to feel safe and alone and lovely in.

A very low key and quiet weekend, just what my spirit desired, just what I served myself.

Now for a late lunch, some reading and business letters than need addressing, some matters of the heart and possibly if am fortunate, a night of calm and sweet dreams

very much

2010-02-12T10:06:00.001-07:00

I feel a slow and sad song coming in...something far less frantic than the music within lately. I have been on fast forward all week and am ready to allow my thoughts and ideas to slow into a steady pace of calm.

These images made me smile today with a completeness I have not felt in a long time. I am grateful for so much and so many in my life, yet often feel I don't express myself right, or what I say comes out in a way that is rushed and like a pat on one's back of thanks.

Do you know how I feel?

Very much so, yes.

vintage

2010-02-10T12:00:00.000-07:00

When I think of vintage ~ beauty ~ inspiration....only one sweet thought comes to mind, Kate. Some favorites, new, older, mixed.

lily white beauty

2010-02-09T15:28:00.000-07:00

Today, I stumbled on this little piece of heaven and light ~ and now, there is no going back. Please visit, read, and find yourself immersed in shivers and love ~ Nectar & Light = bliss.

quiet meaning

2010-02-09T15:13:00.000-07:00

A small and soft place to fill

Life is simple isn't it so:

And filled with mystery and delight

And bluebells while wandering through lost woods

Beauty in all places, in highs and in lows

Quiet moments of contemplation and grace

And times to allow the blood to rush to one's head freely

Times to let things be as they are

To search through one's soul like an attic

Time to fret and worry be gone, stand still, and be entire in this space.

(thank you dear, *sources*)

web

2010-02-08T16:25:00.000-07:00

Oh beautiful space you occupy perfectly what a lovely web you weave.

I came across this gorgeous blog on another gorgeous blog last week and just have to share its beauty here with others if they have yet to see it for themselves. Possibly one of the most delicious bit of love I have seen/read/witnesses within in a very long time. It is meant to be thoroughly enjoyed and best eaten when fully ripe ~ savored complete.

sweet sweet things

2010-01-27T09:53:00.002-07:00

Thank you, A Cup of Jo, for this lovely lovely link to these sweet sweet things. Delightful indeed.
Definitely check out erie basin and delve into some gorgeous little gifts to delight & fill you with whimsy and joy.

Go on, Valentine's Day is around the corner, and who does not want a little something perfectly dear and sentimental to show love for one's self? I know I do. I do.

Seed ring, Catbird, Brooklyn NY $176.00

I LOVE Tocca "Touch"...it is my version of holidays, every day ~ Stella is very lovely also, but Touch is...divinity on earth... $68.00

Snow covered bicycles in Paris, why not? $Priceless$...

Brrrr...

2010-01-27T09:45:00.000-07:00

It is cold, I am cold.

Northern Arizona is not where I want to be right now. If I could be anywhere, and it needs to be cold where I am, I would like to be here...preferably with Nicole, and definitely with a full bank account and a lovely boyfriend to cuddle with after a long day of walking, eating, shopping, and taking lovely photos to remember my cold visit abroad.

Alas, back to my desk job.

new street style muse

2010-01-20T10:16:00.002-07:00

New to me, this is..

You hip lovely people who actually have created a life where you purposefully carve out time and energy to visit blogs, websites and other such fantastic places online have certainly known of Vanessa Jackman's blog for some time now. Although I may have seen the name before, or clicked onto her work trying to locate something else, I am awe-struck with its wise wit, gorgeous photos and delightful commentary that goes alongside her style sightings. Vanessa, I am adding you to my New Year resolutions...with a promise to visit your blog at least once a day...

Yes, it is that lovely! Enjoy...x

Oh, and visit her Flickr account while you're at it, some lovely images there to gaze upon as well. YUM.

something borrowed from A Cup of Jo

2010-01-19T16:08:00.001-07:00

What a fun read. I would usually have put this onto my other blog, Style Destination, but since it really is about musings from one's wardrobe...or so the title of this little bloggette would lead one to believe...

Please, enjoy...make a cup of tea or have a glass of vin...the reader comments are equally scrummy I think you will find, I am certainly enjoying xo

Time to get your Friday on...

2010-01-15T14:56:00.000-07:00

And how...

It has been a lengthy week at the desk job.

Spent mostly doing non-work related desk job things, all with the intent of meeting a deadline by Friday.

Deadline met by 2:00 and now...my mind is elsewhere. It is out the door, down the street, around the bend, and seated on my kitchen counter, with a glass of rose in hand and the promise of a lovely Friday night ahead, catching up with good friends in lovely places. My body on the very other hand...is sighing the next two hours away, and waiting for a breath of fresh air.

Happy weekend musings, Muses.

beheld

2010-01-13T16:33:00.000-07:00

Inner Growth

Queen Ann of Lace

Images I immediately fell silent in first seeing, I love to be beheld.

to health, to wealth, to holiness

2010-01-10T17:56:00.000-07:00

To Health....perfect tea

To wealth: Fill my spirit with quiet beauty

To Holiness: Stay true to my heart, dreams, and inner wisdom, learn something new each day and share it, spend my time in positive, supporting, spaces and places

~Happy Musings, My Muses~

buggerd up

2010-01-08T14:49:00.000-07:00

So far, this has been an exhaustive New Year...though one that I welcome with open arms.

Talked to my supervisor last week - also the director of my department at work - and broke down in a flood of tears and frustration. One knows that this direction is not the one that one should take if at all possible. I took some time off, got some tests done with my doctor and went on a new medication geared toward supplying my body with a more balanced approach to living (I am not anti-medication but am anti-medication when not paired with psychotherapy) and have lined up a new psychiastrist for the New Year. So, changes are being made.

These are the 3 areas I am working toward gaining a sense of health and maintaining a more grown up and determined focus within this year...

~Physical~

I am stickythin...so much so that I am freezing all of the time. I finally made space in my life to admit that I may have something more than just a being underweight concern. Many tests later and I am awaiting results from lab. Though there is some thought as to what may be ailing me, I will have to see actual diagnosis when talk with doctor again next week. Til then am watching my health carefully, including what promotes stress or tension and where I can let go of things I have been holding onto tightly. Eating has been helpful too, as has laying off the booze (past three months or so) and keeping myself immersed in only activity that supports me. SO important I cannot stress this enough....Maintenance of my time and values, and loving myself fully through all of life's black and blue places...

~Mental & Emotional~

Taking my medication, working with yoga and weight-bearing exercise, making schedules, goals, timeframes...taking showers, baths, more walks, more fresh air...less driving and less sugar...

~Spiritual~

I agree, I think love is grown. It can be given, it can be taken...and it rises from a depth that one often is too uncomfortable to even immerse one's self into. I think it is the same with other thoughts, feelings and things...Like inner calm and peace, a sense of self and goals...in discovering and worshipping that sacred place within, the Higher Self...I wish to spend more time in my Higher Self realm, with Higher Self-types for company...

I want to dance, dive and be supported...I want to give hope, kind love, and understanding...I wish for personal development and peaceful love to and for all...a common love for all beings xo

Happiest New Year, I feel much less buggered up after writing this out...2010, you are a star.

reflected

2009-12-18T11:29:00.002-07:00

OH I am so so ready for the New Year ~ all the things to look forward toward, all the plans to make and new things to be learned!

Time for reflections of the year past...so many things to be SO SUPER grateful for...Let's have a look-see here to honor them...makes me smile ;)

my new home!!

My sweet boy ~ waiting together at an airport...I wonder what airport it was now...

Flagstaff...because more often than not, I love where I live and what my life *is*

My LalalaLucy (looking a bit disgruntled here am afraid)

The end of my street, Flagstaff (am I blessed or what?!)

Me...very happy indeed, summer

Payson and the Jarv...Lowell Observatory, Flagstaff

Jarvis, the day that we got him! We were ALL so happy.

Sedona, Arizona...the eve of the flash flood ~ what a beautiful moment with my sister this was!

Black and white photo of Payson ~ next to photo of his cousin

What a tiny boy...my sweet love! (This photo is at my parent's house)

Summer sky over Flagstaff, Art Walk September

An awesome lunch with my sister at Mountain Oasis, Flagstaff

~spinach, brown rice & cheese wrap~ my favorite!

Looking out from the Weatherford Hotel, Zane Grey lounge, Flagstaff (after a killer White Russian am sure or glass of house white...)

My sister & Jarv, Sedona (before the flood!) She was talking to her sweetheart David...

Kind of a funny photo, the nicest couple offered to take it for us!

Before an excellent meal @ Pesto Brothers, downtown Flagstaff

My older sister and her husband leaving Arizona...October, what a great (and quick!) weekend!

It was such fun! Come back soon, please!

Courtney and Payson and Paul's stone wall at Museum of Northern Arizona, Flagstaff

Snowbowl Road, Flagstaff

Our wonderful meal at Pesto Brothers! Awesome food, drinks and above all, company!

The Flood! Sedona (I took this photo...it was scary!)

The year in review would not be complete without the Mountainaire Tavern,

nor Jeff's popped collar... ! Jeff and Tom being...Jeff and Tom.

Fun times! Field trip to Fort Tuthill County Fair

Payson and Courtney playing on the county courthouse lawn, Flagstaff

Diablo Burger/Pesto Brothers, Heritage Square Flagstaff

Botantical garden, Scottsdale

Fairmont Scottsdale

Arizona sky, Snowbowl, Flagstaff

Payson, loving his crepes from Old Towne Creperie!

Sedona, April

My birthday dinner (thank you Mom!) I love brussel sprouts! LOVE!

What a fun trip! Me, Kelli, Bridget @ Gino's East, Chicago

Me & Rob in Sedona, cheers!

My brother in law, Niece Mollie, Payson, and Nephew Taran at their house in NY

Class trip with Payson's school to Lowell Observatory, May

Art in the Park, Wheeler Park, Flagstaff

Payson smelling soap...Flagstaff

My dad and Payson...:)

Sedona ~ Jarvis and the Dog

Sisters!

Sisters! (And bro in law Jeff!)

I love this shirt :) thought it was so cute!

Maxwell & Payson

Throwing tomatoes at birds...:) I mean, to birds!

Joshua...I can hear his laugh when I look at this photo!

Fly away, home...Scottsdale ~ inspiration for new tattoo artwork

Wishing you & yours a warm, safe, happy, prosperous, and above all else, LOVEly holiday!!

Holiday Mish Mash Wish List

2009-12-16T11:55:00.001-07:00

Ah yes now! It is that time of the year...of course I have been making my holiday mish mash wish list now for quite some time and have narrowed down my material choices to a slim few that not only fit into my budget (I know, 'and what budget is this she speaks of?' you think aloud...me too) and to items that not only will I use now that will become classic favorites of mine (my personal take on an item over 12 months old and/or from even one previous season is to take the high road with Kate Moss and call it "vintage". (The fun thing is...I have already finished with all my holiday shopping, including the purchase of all items shown below & all (but the one item I ordered today which will be in my hands come Monday lunchtime) are wrapped and just waiting for me to have them in my hot little hands on Christmas morning...Yay holidays!)

And whilst on the subject of Kate, I wonder what her mish mash list looks like this year?

Citizens of Humanity Birken Ankle pant

Chelsea leather bag (Sundance)

Fossil Dove necklace

(Macy's)

My Life List journal

(Barnes & Noble)

Mossimo Grey-tipped faux fur swing jacket

(Target)

Olay Pro-x Kit (with $20 rebate)

(Target, Walgreens)

Woody Allen's Vicky Cristina Barcelona dvd (widescreen)

(Hastings)

Mystic Labradorite ring

(Sundance)

Julie & Julia dvd (widescreen)

(Safeway for only $14.99 on release date, deal!)

Elements wristlet bag

(Sundance)

stark

2009-12-13T22:30:00.000-07:00

Ah, here it is again, that sinking self doubt, then little raging storm. How I wish at times I could skip such drama each month, could slip into sleep and bedtime dreams without thoughts and anxiety and little monsters at the base of my skull keeping my mind and my biological clock, ticking.

When in doubt, pray.

Tonight I pray to the beauty of the peacock butterfuly, my old and wise little friend.

Let me fly with you

I will try to not pull you down with me

touch

2009-12-07T13:09:00.000-07:00

Close your eyes

a Sunday black bird

2009-12-06T19:28:00.000-07:00

Oh the lazy early days of the cold cold winter. A pass in the day to sit and think it through.

Getting readied for the holidays to come, such a greatness to the spirit and magic of Christmas. Filled with loving and glorious memories of many a year past. At home with all the safety and love and support around me. How I miss the warmth of my family about, how I pine for Little Women, a new diary with lock and key, left over eggnog and my mother's warm, soft skin pressed close to mine saying our good nights.

What does missing do? Makes one not live in the moment, though for those several minutes when your mind is wrapped in loving thought of many days ago there is such a balance of peace and love and after glow that nothing else in this second holds importance - you are there, in the perfect between of youth and adult and dream.

Now to rest for what is to come and to be.

hug kiss

2009-11-17T12:16:00.000-07:00

Have been MIA for a bit. Don't bother with details, it is all in the details.

Seasons are in passing as I type this now, watching the small momentous seconds between falling from, falling through and falling upon as I search out small leaves from my office building window.

hug kiss xo

Hanneli in Soho

2009-10-27T10:38:00.000-07:00

New favorite past time. She is a delight, why not jump up and down about it then right here. Yay-ness factor and a triple thumb's up! Hanneli, marry me. I so dig your hair.

low temperature

2009-10-27T10:32:00.000-07:00

There is the slow incline of cold autumn chill each day I wake now, a cycle of decline with the opportunity for an acute saturation of pure joy.

Do you feel it too, the under tow of winter.

this that and the weekend

2009-10-02T11:46:00.000-07:00

A bit too much to drink last night and a bit too late in the evening to be doing it...my mind a bit sleepy today and my body wants very much to sit in the sunshine and soak.

On another note am also very shoppy. And though I can think of a handful of reasons not to be - the lack of funding for items being my main reason - I can't seem to stop looking at all the lovely little items I have been running into online this morning...such as this cute ensemble for fall...

and these studded jeans, which I did order from Free People this morning in a fit of neediness...for under $100, these are glorious and will be a great accent to an otherwise blah Casual Office Friday :)

Looking toward my weekend with anticipation and joy...a perfect way to unwind from the week and time to plan out my other garden which I have been allowing to get overgrown and wild.

pacing

2009-09-30T19:42:00.000-07:00

Am having a restless spell, the week seems to be neverending and the evenings far too quick for me to have any real time for myself, any time for just me and the wind and the quiet before night and sleep come on. Am not complaining, just wish an additional evening hour could come to my rescue at time and fill in nicely with some reading before I fall into dreams.

Have been terrible with updating here. Partly because have been ignoring my feelings and also because when I have written, I have done it by hand in my journal. Recording in more than one place on the day to day and night to night of life can be a bit over, as well as, underwhelming.

There is a pacing in my life right now that I feel slowed by, lulled by, held by. A bit like being pulled along emotionally and feeling a bit out of my skin more than I have in weeks. Or possibly quite the opposite, possibly it is the newness I am yet to realize has surrounded me and supports me and I just can't easily recall comfort.

lustings

2009-08-23T13:31:00.000-07:00

another weekend almost put to rest...a slow and lovely one at that. what is on my mind after a night out (into the wee morning hours) but food, fashion, and soon, a nap? lovely girls in lovely dresses. indian summer. vodka sprites. boys with unusual names I have already forgotten. quiet time in a loud bar with Nicole. lusting for summer to stay on, just a bit longer for me.

burn out

2009-08-21T16:22:00.000-07:00

I feel so tired today, tired in my state of mind and my state of purpose. Is there such a thing?

Have been limp with life before and today doesn't take the cake, though same thing, different week. I am looking for ways to become grounded, self assured, calmed...yoga, meditation, quiet, healing mustic, ritual, incense, health, wealth of wellness and integrity...all of these things I have tried though not with my whole heart, and one must do something wholly to do it at all.

Next stop, library, tea, home, bathtub, good night's rest. Off the bottle.

sliding

2009-08-18T22:07:00.000-07:00

Do you know what I want right now...a lovely Chai and someone who loves me and knows me intimately to bring it to me. Deliver it with little kisses all over my face. Hug and hold me until we get outside and can hold eachother for a long long time before we part...making mental notes of what wine to pick up on way to friend's late supper and if I have time to walk back to my office or if I need to find a cab.

Because in the end, all in all is all we all are. (Sassy, 1992)

stirred and crazied

2009-08-16T14:43:00.000-07:00

Not entirely, and not actually at all, much, really.

Just a bit...weird. Feel a bit cut out from society when I don't go some place on a day I have off. I am guessing because for the first time in a very long time, I am not making plans for others or with others or about others or plans at all. It is a new thing for me, peace in myself. Peace around myself too, shall add.

Sat outdoors and read some this morning, made a lovely breakfast and lunch, worked on some work for work tomorrow so can fluff about a bit at office tomorrow morning. Was planning to see Julie and Julia, but am too lazy to pull myself together to actually go across town to where it is playing.

Am so very much about to begin my period.

And just feel like eating, wining, and blogging. I guess that is okay, yeah.

Keeping in Touch (KIT) Installment

2009-08-15T23:06:00.000-07:00

KIT = Keep In Touch...a little installment for when a full entry isn't possible, or when boredom creeps in...

May - Moved house (very painful as was also in midst of stressful time at work and in break up mode)
June - A longer than average month in my new place making it mine all mine (and letting my heart and emotional state mend a bit)
July - Busy with work...money concerns...summertime busy-ness in general...like so many other blogging people I know and adore, sometimes summer means just chill and let the writing sllllllide a little bit...continuing to grow new cells over open wounds
August - A bit of a mad start but is warming into a nicer and more peaceful place in all of my centers...including writing and touching base more often here...which feels a pleasant, and welcome, return...and soon, the cold will be here...

if you go into the woods tonight...

2009-08-15T22:44:00.000-07:00

Saturday lovely Saturday!

I am always the most happy on the weekend - not because I am not a fan of my work, or because I don't want to be at my desk whiling away my time, but because there is no schedule. Things can come and go as they please. Time can stand still or move on its own accord and heartbeat. I like that in a day, it just turns me on.

Have tons of reading to do tomorrow, I almost don't want to sleep I just want to read my new books (well, new to me books I should say) and curl up in my bed...but then I will be super grouchy without enough sleep...and as I am always saying to myself and to others...balance is absolute key to my sanity. Remember that if you know me on a day to day basis and actually see me or if you only read my words and know me from the computer. I live for a balanced amount of food, sleep, and sleep.

Happy weekend musings...don't forget your torch if you are adventuring into your woods tonight :)

better and best

2009-08-15T12:02:00.000-07:00

It's still rock and roll to me...

Have been well.

First green grant awarded this week with more announcements to come next week.

A weekend of no plans and slow desirings.

I can and will get into these things.

And a new pair of boots.

There is a life before me filled by love ~ and it is so so nice to see again.

Welcome...the door is wide open.

good company

2009-08-15T12:00:00.000-07:00

~Secrets, and adventures~

~Heartfelt chats, love, support, understanding~

~My sisters mean to me~

wantful things

2009-08-08T10:17:00.000-07:00

Has been a very difficult past few days...my thoughts a bit out of focus and my heart dragging behind me, like a serpent's tail...

Today is a new day but the pain is still wearing me thin.

I wonder what I look like from the outside looking in...my internal structure feels so lost, my foundations like Greek sculpture worn down and ready to be restored.

I miss your mouth on my shoulders and your hand around mine. There is safety in knowing you are being held onto.

Love Comes to Town

2009-08-05T13:49:00.000-07:00

paradox

2009-08-04T10:21:00.000-07:00

For months I went back and forth and forth and back again with my decision to move and purchase my own home and space and become a recluse (well, not a recluse per se but to spend time with myself and allow in emotions and draw out pain and start anew and keep afresh and get on my health and mind management) some of this has happened, some has not, yet, anyway.

There have been one or two solid realizations.

A few things I have done which seemed to have opened up places in me to grow:

1 - Writing a list of my fears - wowza. I needed to take the afternoon off from work to really get myself into a place of acceptance with this stuff. Heavy. Definitely the place for me to begin. Exhausting in a very good way.

2 - Letter of forgiveness. Another big moment and more process energy than I realized was available in my tiny little frame. And man alive, YESSSSS. I had been afraid of this what seemed to be simple exercise. It opened me up so wide I feel I have floated off like a ripped open hot air balloon. Soaring...Freedom.

And I am over all pleased with this time in my life, though it does not in any way, feel as though I am settled. According to some fantastic insights I have been reading, this places me in a category deemed by professionals as "the norm" on the bell curve. Have I ever really been one to follow the bell curve? Apparently this too will be a new place of growth for me, spot on in the center.

Not that I will totally allow myself to believe I fall only in the middle. The bell curve has its off days too.

energy: we are now

2009-08-03T10:48:00.001-07:00

What is your drive today?

What does it for you?

Today is all about unleashing those untapped places...and being what you need to be in this moment. Truth be told, told be truth.

Sometimes I wonder where optimistic thoughts come from, when my mind has been so cloudy of late. Today feels so much better.

ever and ever again

2009-07-31T16:24:00.000-07:00

I try very hard and consciously not to use the word "hate".

I try also not to be too dependent upon the word "love".

It is a bitter divide.

in need of a soul rest

2009-07-28T15:06:00.000-07:00

Do ya know what I mean?

still hangin' around...

2009-07-23T14:30:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile...just much going on here. It's summer, it's too nice to be indoors.

I have been happy in my new home. Happy and busy and doing things I really, really like to do. Gardening. Making my house into my little home. Keeping my mind occupied by mostly good and positive things and thoughts. Keeping my mood mostly balanced and clear.

Work is busy, but I still do the bulk of it in my bedroom at night when I don't have to be bothered by any staff or phone calls or whatnot. Same as working in the office on weekends, it just allows me to have silence to process my work easier...and time to listen to good music whilst processing...which makes life at the office all the more delightful.

Indeed it does.

sky

2009-07-01T08:39:00.000-07:00

Oh, summer, oh, sky...oh, my...am in love with the big big world.

Have been all moved into new home and house and all am all set up. Photos to come soon.

Things are well, am off to Chicago for business soon, and am enjoying my time, this space I am in, and the love I am surrounded with.

Ahhhh...and today, 1st of July, welcome...

wellness is wealth

2009-06-19T13:28:00.000-07:00

Am beyond happy, and beyond ready for the week's end...and so grateful, for Nicole is running out to Starbuck's to fetch us some chilled bevvies of the caffeinated kind...YUM...

home is where the stars are

2009-06-10T15:20:00.000-07:00

March 2009 Upstate New York visit to parents...

so much for much

2009-06-03T09:16:00.000-07:00

I am in one of those moods, the sort of mood that I am not sure what mood I am in. More than once this morning have felt a bit down and have no reason really to feel this, other than I do.

I also know I want to be sitting outside in the sunshine sipping tea and making plans for my new space. Arranging my home. If your house in a dream symbolizes your actual body, possibly this would make sense as my home is quite disorganized right now.

Think I might take a visit to the library, return my films and borrowed books, and catch some sunshine on my cheeks. Set the mood to yellow and sky blue and see what sort of things I can see.

home again

2009-06-02T16:37:00.000-07:00

For quite some time on here I have voiced my desire to relocate, and relocate, I have. Into a tiny little home, a cozy little safety net of love and happiness, in a nice little area across from a park, close to our downtown area but far enough from any noise of any real concern.

And I feel so much happiness and love and love and happiness, and cannot wait to be still and quiet in it, to stop with the unpacking and be thoroughly inside my new home, my holy ground.

So so many things to be grateful for, to look toward, and to stay present within this moment and just be. Yay, home.

Mercury's rise

2009-06-01T10:01:00.000-07:00

Since am always cycling through my life (as we all are, just tend to forget from time to time as we stay in static patterns or hibernate in emotional stew) thought this important to share...

"The purpose of Mercury retrograde is to review and revise our life and our connection with reality. The timing of this universe is geared toward the Sun as it moves through the zodiac. Mercury has an orbit that at times gets ahead of the Sun allowing us to look into the future toward new and innovative ideas. However, we cannot continue in that vein until we come back to the present designated by the Sun and put our new ideas into manifestation. During the time that Mercury jumps ahead, we ultimately have to bring the ideas back into the present to test and evaluate to see how they fit into our life. As Mercury retrogrades back into the present, the connection with the Sun happens as we test drive our ideas and re-align with reality and the natural timing of the universe.

The Mercury retrogrades that are occurring in 2009 provide the opportunities for us to make mental adjustments about decisions we have as our goals, aspirations that are our focus during the ELEVEN year of 2009. Because we are making decisions to bring forward the visionary awareness into our new journey, new endeavors, new goals, the events during the Mercury retrograde time frames help us to veer away from the past and take bold steps into our new future. . These adjustments will be very necessary as they allow us to make major changes, emphasizing our bold and innovative choices. The ELEVEN year brings forward the opportunity to utilize the "master" qualities from a Divine perspective of leadership, visionary purpose, and Divine intent. The ELEVEN reduces to the TWO (1+1=2) which provides the basic energy for the year of relating to people, places and things. However, with the opportunities available to bring forward the Divine path available for those AWARE of the ELEVEN, the journey through 2009 provides a pathway lit by Divine opportunities."

Cycle...change...allow...flow...to...happen...and...release...your...self...to...living...free...and full.

seeing green...

2009-06-01T09:54:00.000-07:00

As in, the lovely peacock colors! Majestic being, majestic mood.

Kate Moss Summer TopShop collection, peacock knit tee

rest it never comes

2009-05-28T11:43:00.001-07:00

Very restless and very tense. So tight I am afraid to move a muscle without tripping off my entire energy system. Am wound to the bone in every which way possible. And no rest until its end.

Do you know, how to look out so far, your eyes become the landscape? That is where I want to be, in that very fine line range of nothingness and bliss.

not again, but again

2009-05-19T10:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, all one needs to get their energy moving and a new look on life is to capture their own town or city or environment in a new way, with a new change in ones perspective.

Sometimes, all one needs is to update their address book, buy a set of markers or pencils that are fun to write with and produce a nice result, or take a walk around the pond one always tends to forget is right there and wallah, a whole new world.

WHY do I always tend to forget this, blog about it, and forget it all over again?

needing rest

2009-05-12T11:43:00.000-07:00

My bones and mind and body need rest, I am not good at trying to keep up the pace that I have been in all this morning, rushing here and there and trying on all sorts of roles...mother, employee, employer, mate, sister, friend...what have you.

I just want to sit, dangle my legs over a cold stream, and let my mind take me where ever it wants to go.

These days, summer knocks on my window and I answer with a sigh. Time to take a few days just for me.

big week's end

2009-05-08T16:13:00.000-07:00

SUCH a big week for me. Work, commencement speeches, running around town under deadlines and unreasonable timeframes. What else is there on a Friday afternoon for a girl to do though, really?

Am meeting with realtor in the morning to discuss buying my own home very, very soon. Within 10-15 days really soon. I am sweating bullets. I am sucking in my tummy and holding my fingers tightly crossed for my world to begin anew. Refreshed. Breathing.

And for whatever reason, seeing the city's skyline makes me feel much happier today, I do so love to see this view when I am on my way home to see my family.

And soon, a new place for me to call home, too. Yay for big weeks and productive home purchases!

list of my life

2009-05-06T14:18:00.000-07:00

So much to do in next few days, am feeling beyond rushed! Good things though, and hard things, but things that will definitely help to make me stronger and more empowered.

Some times I wish I believed what I wrote more than I actually do.

Some times writing it down like I can bear the weight of the world makes me think I can. Resilience. I like it.

I have been looking for a new place, and think I may have found it.

I have been dealing with a terrible loss and lack of forgiveness within and feel it may now be taking a new direction.

I have been hurting from some family issues happening and feeling I am very small and far away, and I am making strides to keep myself more attuned to others needs while staying out of their business. (I can be quite bossy.)

And I am working hard at my job, which feels really, really, nice.

I love having blogs for all my moods, but this is where it all comes out, where I can leave the wardrobe door unhinged and allow in the fresh, crisp, new air.

hello, Monday, we meet again, so soon?

2009-05-04T09:44:00.000-07:00

Oh, I felt so entirely lazy this morning and though I knew I must get up and stretch my bones and work, I was just feeling such a haze from the weekend.

I need to really remember to eat a good meal before I go out for drinks, and to not eat ciggies out of the carton because I am having a bad moment. I need to remember, this too shall pass, it always does, and of course by Sunday midday, it entirely had. I just need to STRETCH my COMFORT ZONE and make my way in the world with a healthy outlook. Not slack in my depression or act out of want, and not need. All sounds so simple when not in the heat of that moment.

Today...a much better day, indeed. Rising and shining it.

something to talk about...

2009-05-01T15:52:00.000-07:00

PLEASE feel free to email me should you wish to share a thought, concern, issue, or general comment - I have been receiving such lovely messages, but need to remove the comment option from here so as I can concentrate more so on what I am writing than the comments I am reading - hope this makes sense, somewhat, to someone...Cheers, x

arizonamegs@gmail.com

ode to escape

2009-05-01T15:47:00.000-07:00

Most days, I am pretty happy with life in general and that includes in a very large way, with my work. But this week has been sort of a drag, because I am waiting on other people to be able to meet deadlines. My supervisor is aware and this has been an ongoing problem with certain staff, but nothing has been done to get their work in. So I end up feeling a bit BORED and therefore, turn to ESCAPE as my inner fulfillment. Which means the various applications one has access to on their work computer, their laptop, their Blackberry, you name it. So today especially has been all about ESCAPE.

So what will the evening and the night bring? More escape in one form or another, as I sense a half bottle of wine awaiting me, and a cozy bed to climb into, after.

Happy weekend Musings, and may you each find your own balance within escape.

for S

2009-04-28T11:39:00.000-07:00

Wherever i am, i am what is missing. ~Mark Strand~

I took this from my dear friend's little blog.

If you know said dear friend, this is my ode to you.

Thank you for you.

Even with a million minutes and miles between us right now
you are often what I think of in the morning
and what helps me feel all the more alive
and keeps my desire to breathe and love fully intact.

Once when reading something you sent me,
I cried out in the middle of the daylight hour
to you far far away
a million minutes would take a very long time
but a million miles, all the longer.

Thank you for your being,
it is one of life's greatest treasures.
And for your one little smile,
You light up my entire world.

Sit, rest, breathe, write, love, and run away onto your page.
I know that I will always find you there.

authentic happiness

2009-04-27T09:12:00.000-07:00

Have been on another soul searching weekend dig...and so, this morning's little post here is to celebrate and honor what is, to me, the most important element one can find within - Authentic Happiness.

Self-worth, self-trust, self-actualization, self-power, self-care, self-balance, self-growth, self-LOVE in all its hopes, dreams, bounty.

And how does one get to this place and time within, to capture this sense of absolute?

I think it may be easier really to define what makes one happy naturally and wholly, and to then list for one's individual self the ways in which happiness does not come to one naturally and wholly. (Whole, as in ONE PIECE and holistically inner-grown)

Meg's Secret Authentic Happiness Potion:

1) Know one's self & all its tiny, hidden away treasures
2) True Balance - in all aspects of life - the mental, the physical, the spiritual, the emotional realms
3) Explore the past and reclaim it as such today - then live in only the moment
4) Delve into your heart and follow its needs
5) Commit to deep love within, always and foremost in relationships of all kinds
6) Give back and give well
7) Faith, trust, and a pinch to grow on
8) Do what you LOVE - where you put your time is where you put your energy and what is given out to the universe
9) Ask for help when you need it
10) Breathe deep and bow even deeper
11) Go without and go within as often as possible

Authentic anything can't be bought, sold, marketed...the only way to authenticity is to know your Higher Power resides within, and to trust each moment to bring forth amazing life and energy. How to soul search, how to draw in that trust, those are all the things we are here to learn and explore.

Keep reaching for the light in one another, and share hope! Share your happiness and ask for nothing in return...and don't try so hard to please others. Just ask they care and love and share in life with you, that is enough.

the writing prompt

2009-04-22T13:08:00.000-07:00

Today I am tired. I am way beyond tired. I slept well, I ate well, I just have an allergy that has become a bug-a-boo and my throat is itchy and my head is throbby.

As I mentioned to Paul this morning...as I tend to somehow remain positive, chipper, and with my face to the sun..."This too shall pass".

I left, drove to work, parked my car, turned my face fully into the sun shining through the trees and up toward the sky, and thought aloud, "whatever does that truly mean?"

And so it brought me to a stand still search in my mind and heart of what I actually meant. This too shall pass. Well of course it will, being stuck in a moment for too long eventually would cause one to have to have another thought, and then another, and another - would it not? So it has already passed by, and I am here, still talking about it as though it was the same moment. It really is the simple things in life that create such wonder in my life, sometimes confusion mixed in with that wonder, but it is wonder-filled, none the less or all the more. Or however that goes. Whatever that means, this too shall pass.

blue mondays

2009-04-20T08:45:00.000-07:00

It isn't so much about the blue part, just the photo and it being another office-inspired Monday. I had Friday off of work, and it was a really nice little time for myself, other than the ups and downs of phone calls to my family to try and find out if my sister had tried to put her head back on straight and finish out her legal separation and such prior to her move out of state. Not just out of state but across the country to Seattle. I wish I could shake something up in her and allow her to see something others can, but then again, who am I to know what lessons she needs to learn?

How does one learn to love without condition, without limits, when you feel you can't support someone else's choices? And that someone is your dear little sister?
When do you know you have given enough of your heart and how to baby-step backward out of such things?